Mar-Edged

The cushions had been straightened, the flowers were fresh, and my favorite dishes were spread out on the table.  A is a perfectionist when it comes to her guests. She even made up for her absence by sticking out tiny notes, at random corners. Her memory about the little things i love, has never failed to amaze me.
 
 I walked around the house admiring the beautifully adorned walls, stepped as  gently as i could, over the exquisite carpets and made my way to the patio.

With my arms stretched, clutching the back of my head, my feet resting on the rails, one on top of the other, My stomach cradling a warm mug of coffee...I had done everything i could, to make myself feel comfortable. Yet a vague feeling of  being unsettled  hovered around.

'Its high time i had a settled life too', a meek voice whispered.  It jerked me from my posture, threatening to spill over swirls of coffee.

Really? .. I mean its ME! another voice sniggered.

There are miles to go, many to meet and a rush of madness to experience before i am ready to settle down. I am not cut for these things.  Be it long term contracts, Investments for life or for that matter even a permanent tatoo. Remember how i vanished from the saloon that suggested me a permanent hair straightening. I mean, how am i to know, if i'd like my hair that way, 2 months from then. May be i am just  not ready to digest the word 'permanent".  Well... I am not trying to refute the importance of commitment here. Its  definitely an essential ingredient in the professional front, in relationships and several other day to day interactions.
But right now, doesn't seem like it, to be pinned down to a place. I like the freedom to be able to go anywhere, do anything, quit my job at any point i like, switch careers, travel a lot, follow my heart and take risks. Honestly i still have no idea where i am headed to. Dabbling with interests and Skimming through choices, i am hoping to arrive at the destination, at least by eliminating options.  Yes, the chances of making a mistake is higher. But isn't that the way people learn?

And whats the big deal about settling down? Just because everyone i know is either getting engaged or married, doesn't mean i rush into one. People walk at different paces. And in this aspect of life, perhaps i am little slow. So bloody what? Huh! just as fancy as a white picket fence, a loving husband and 3 cute  babbling children may sound, the truth is i am not there yet- Mentally, emotionally and financially.

Now, I cannot say for sure, if its the right decision to make. It could very well, turn out to be a stupid decision too. But time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. And trust me, someday when the future unfolds, you will know, EXACTLY why these things happened. So, free yourself from these mental shackles and go taste the flavor to life, that the sheltered will never know.

( Note to self : A timely NO, is MUCH better than an untimely YES. )

Blotches of ink, is all i got...

Pressing the iridium nib against the paper, i draw a line and hope to extend it, to form words. Words that will  exude love and stand out from ordinary wishes. The sounds of which, when read aloud, will create a crater on your cheek and light up the memory lanes in your mind. I want to garnish them with your favorite emoticons, border them with notes of music, spray the empty white spaces with color and see my words dance their way to your celebration.

I beckon  beautiful words, hope to string them together and narrate to you about all the things i have done, and  places i have been to. I want syllables to play symphony, while i fill these soft white pages with my slanting strokes. Chafing my heart, creating crafty words, i want those magical ones, that will engage your senses.

If only, i had the ability to rearrange  these 26 letters, twist, turn and churn them inside out, to build a bridge between the distance. If only language built itself through me and sailed her way to you.

But here i am,  Chewing on the back of a fountain pen, washed up on the shore of words, lost in an alien tale, murmering a broken chant and dusting away grains of discarded words....

Stringing together a lovely weekend..

The magnificent pacific,  whispering winds
Chilly weather with a dash of sunshine.

Winding roads, dotted with cedars,
Picturesque homes, dancing daffodils

Long drives, through green pastures
soothing music, familiar gestures.

walking aimlessly, through bakery's and vintage stores
random happiness and so much more

A fleeting crush on the friend of a friend,
too bad, it comes with a soon-to-arrive-end

small sips of coffee, large gulps of surprising stories,
spilling secrets, gasps and giggles.

Old friends, tequila shots, karaoke nights
semi drunken philosophy, deep insights

wavering foot steps, a reassuring grip
lingering smiles and merry quips

fluffy pillows, soft blankets - cozy and warm
Smiling to myself, i slide  into a dreamless sleep

PS- Thanks for a memorable weekend  Anupie :)

Silly me, hopes...:)

* Watching the last scene of serendipity*

The city was shrouded in white and the snowflakes gently danced their way to the ground.  I was surprised to read into his expressions. People move on, i said to myself. Despite the cold weather, chilly winds and our half written love stories, we all move on.

I intently watched, as he picked the glove she had left behind. Familiar feelings clutched my heart, as i saw his tearless cry. I knew exactly what it felt like, to have one half of something. I particularly liked the symbolism with the glove.

The loss of something, even as silly as a stationery can bring us pain. But the pain is worse, when you lose something that was meant to be a pair. It hurts me more, when i lose a earring, a glove or a sock. Because I know that no matter what, i cant put the other half to any use.They are incomplete without each other.

 Of course as time goes on, we'll buy ourselves new pairs. Different textures, hues, and patterns will come to replace them.  But then, the old unpaired one is still lying in the cupboard. Relegated to a corner, that you never reach out to, buried beneath all the newness you tried to fill yourself with, its still there. All by itself.

Perhaps we do the same with our lives too. As time passes by, we meet new people, make newer bonds, see new places, attain great heights, and let go of the relationships  we once had.  But what we don't realize is that, each one of these lost pairs, took with them a portion of us. Each time something ends, it changes you irreversibly. Every time you give up on a relationship,  you lose a little bit of yourself. The other half  takes away half of your memories, your dreams, and the very essence of 'you', adding to that stack of unpaired pairs in your heart.

Walking along...you liberally douse in the present,  ignore its lilting cries, channelize your pain, change as a person and end up with  a new pair. Its all good. Life is perfect!

Until someday, when you least expect it....poignant memories could come racing back to you, and remind you that life would have perhaps been a LOT different, had the strings of fate not connived a series of moves  to separate the pair.

Waking up next to a seemingly 'perfect person', you wonder, if this is where you REALLY wanted to be. Tossing on the buoyant sea of uncertainty, where billows of trouble roll under surges of joy, you realize that no matter how  great  the new pair is,  its not the 'same'.  It can never match the previous one perfectly. There is a reason they are called 'a pair'. They need each other to be complete.

Serendipity! I am glad he found his lost pair.  I hope we all find ours too:)

*sunshine*

Whew! Updates from a survior.

As i wrap up this one year of 'trying-to-teach',   here's a bulleted list from my work diary . Complete gibberish :-| hehe but this is definitely  going to serve as a good dose of laughter, when i am old and shriveled  and regale at my life as a 20 something teacher.

 *Typical monday morning begins with the weekend lethargy still suffused into me.  And when my mind is unable to clear up despite consuming gallons of coffee, an enthusiastic  high pitched Maaaaa'aaam would wash it all away. Aww teenagers. I cant wait to have my own <3

* Eh! I don't know about the fruits of patience, but the taste of revenge is certainly sweet .<evil grin>

* After  I've  have had a bad day, all i need to do is , get into the classroom, see their faces, start scribbling on the board, and soon I would forget all my troubles.  Just the concept of having a space to scribble uninhibitedly in my clumsy handwriting and then defend it with the aeyy-i-am-your-teacher-so-shut-up look  is awesome.  

* Carping unambitious women, who do not want to think  beyond home aesthetics, work politics, and culinary skills get on my nerves.  And why be apologetic about your individuality and independence?   If its unsettling to the patriarchal society, so be it!  < I should have been  divorce lawyer instead of a teacher >   Seriously:-|

* How to combat a boring  professional development class? Sit in the first row,  tap your watch furiously and pretend its not working. hehe it'll annoy the trainer big time. You could also try  turning on your headphones , and imagine him dance to an item number.  Imagining an ugly corpulent man dancing to sheila ki jawani, is hilarious. Eh! Whats the point of  imagination, if you don't use it  to  entertain yourself, in a torturous class like this. Be creative!
Of course, don't go overboard and envision shahid kapoor's lips on yours. Coz chances are, you never want that kiss to end, and you 'll keep blushing even when the annoying trainer prods you for answers.  Been there. Done that :-|

*Evaluating these ten months of work...my only major reason to crib would be that, not  many young dashing  people take to teaching. Huh! most of the people i  get to meet are grave looking middle aged paunchy men or equally boring women , who would annoy you with their arguments against dating, live in's , clubbing etc etc. Bespectacled ladies with that typical teacher-like expression on their face, discussing maids, busy husbands and sarees is  such a major torture.

* Rides in the bus are fun too. The little kid, who'd tug my dupatta and emanate happiness, every time i turn around and give him the i-know-its-you look, is SO adorable. Aww I could just pick him up, and hug him. Or may be secretly kidnap him and bring him up myself. lol

Leaning over the table,  to avoid the click clacking of my heels from disturbing them, i stood there and  watched them spill paragraph after paragraph, from their super crammed brains. Its strange how you end up teaching them for one whole year, but notice the features on their young faces, only during an exam. While the nonchalant commentator in my head went on and on, my gaze stopped at this particular child.

There i was, in that  very moment, uttering a prayer beneath my breath, wishing that he does really well in life.  When everything in life has always spiralled  down to ME, perhaps for the very first time,  i knew what its like, to wish things for another.  It reminded me of you. Reminded me of how i was always the kid to you. And how you must have found the simplest of joys by just being there for me.  

I remember learning how to add, subtract and multiply, for a life full of calculations and decision making. I remember how you were my safety net, when it came to confronting mom about my unruly behaviour.  Do you remember those days in the terrace? Those evenings with long power cuts, and sky watching. It was a pretext to get away from books . Mental mathematics. Grr  I am yet to hunt the author of that book and shoot him down. lol

Back then, technology had not dug its talons, into the very core of our being. Childhood was so simple. Remember running barefoot to the backyard and hiding things near the washing stone?  Those painstakingly collected shells, colorful pebbles and pieces of metal. It was nothing less than a treasure to us.

Climbing onto the mango tree in the neighbours garden,observing the world beneath, and swinging our legs to the melody of old hindi songs. Your voice so melodious.  And mine equally jarring. I would sing loudly just to impress that cute 8th grader next door. haha and you would frown and the prospect of him being your future brother in law.

Remember those hurried mornings?  The tug of war with the bathroom door, was so much fun. I would prolong my shower, just to ensure you have no hot water left. And yet you would press my uniform,  give in to my puppy-face-looks,  hesitantly forge mom's signature on my diary and get me out of  looming trouble.  Perhaps you even knew of my secretly nurtured jealousy, about that badge on your shirt. You never wore it till you reached class, just so i feel better.  How come you were so considerate, i wonder?

Inspite of being an agnostic, when forced into the prayer room, i bet half your wishes were for me.  Perhaps the older ones , are always more considerate. While, you discovered the joy of loving unselfishly at 15. Me? The idiot that i am, learnt it a decade later.

So, as i stood there gazing at this child, while he intently filled his answer scripts,  it suddenly struck me, that its perhaps the only wish, where i have no ulterior selfish motive. It wasn't  about my dreams, my family, or my relationship with G. For once, its not about ME. Its just...about being older, and wanting to make every single thorn on their path vanish.  Its about wanting them to grow up to be awesome people:)  Aww kids.

I watched, observed , smiled, and realized i had it all wrong. Happiness is simple.  And that tiny world inside your heart, which isn't driven by ulterior motives, is perhaps the one that clears the mist in your mind.  Its the one that keeps us connected in the truest sense. hehe sometimes i love my job. Some moments, like these, are fulfilling:)

His long strides were diminishing the distance  faster than i thought. I was momentarily paralysed. I didn't realize how much i longed to see him, till i actually stood there transfixed.

Can you tell, you dissipate the million invisible walls, the logical me cavils upon. Can you tell, there is a stirring within me, a rush inside, that intensifies with each step you take towards me.

All the resolve of being just friends, a courteous hi and a civil handshake, was shoved away. Its like you build up this big defence system around ur heart, and before you know it, *someone* walks straight into it, crashing down all the boundaries..breaking all the rules..while u stand there watching helplessly and see urself go through it ALL OVER AGAIN!
G- Kaisi hai? * Hug*

Can you tell, a force consumes me, and  explodes like juvenile stars , when you hold me in your arms. Can you tell, there is a surge of delirious insaneness, rising within me . Can you tell, there is an undying passionate love, burning like embers in my heart. . Can you tell, your voice lights up my being and makes me wanna dream ?  Can you tell, it feels like life and death juxtaposed as i melt in your arms. Can you tell....

He ended the long hug, nudging me into reality. Forcing a smile,  i held myself back and   regained the aplomb of just friends.  Its hard . So damn hard to be a friend, after you have crossed that invisible line, which demarcates frienship from that deeper bond between a man and a woman.*Sigh* Looking around at the Delhi airport, i realized  how things are seemingly the same, yet certianly different. Although the sensibilities of life had etched our brains, deeper than what our hearts managed, life has other plans. PERHAPS.
hehe  and i  thought such things happened only in movies and novels:P

?!?!??!

Something has been tugging my heart for a long time now. A maelstrom of emotions and remembrances engulf me, and i keep tossing and turning in bed. Vague feelings, fears and uncertainties, keep encircling me the whole time. I wonder if its just the play of my capricious mind, or is more than that.

Someone at work  noticed i am quieter than usual. In class, i am irritated than usual ( Feel awfully guilty about my behavior)  I can hardly connect to anybody these days too. I am so caught up in the crossfires between my thoughts, that making sense of things around, seems hard. Well..nothing is exactly out-of-place, yet something is consuming me.

 May be i am bored.  Considering my fleeting nature, i guess its time to change my path and move to a different road. I like roads , that emerge out of nowhere. I like it when it bends, and i cannot see what lies ahead.  Shedding all inhibitions, when you just pick something, guided by those staticky messages the universe sends. That's me!

At times, I feel there are many 'ME' inside this 'I' that i am. And they all reside in small little compartments, waiting for their turn. When i please one ME, another throws tantrums. Its hard for me to feel completely fulfilled, because some part of ME, is always left yearning for attention.

The cacophony of everyday life , choking practicalities, the confinements of society, its getting  too much. aargh growing up sucks at times:-|

PS- I am too muddled to structure the post too. Eh! Loose ends...everywhere:P

Longings..

Iridescent  Yamuna,
orange hues..
As the sun goes down,
uncertainty ensues.

Humming chattering gopis
Fragrant zephyrs
wringed of life,
they seem
without  Krishna.

Bring along,
the delight of his flute
Tell me its a rewarding pursuit
Bring along,
the melody of his mirth.
Tell me this wait is worth.

Walking between
the long array,
of bright lamps
lit happily,
in karthikai
With a lambent charm,
cantering through farms
He renders a  beatific smile,
ending my long trial.

Delusions soothe
Reality gnaws,
In vain
I wait.
I wilt.

Will love remain unrequited,
with impaired, broken wings.
Or will he feed my barren eyes
with secret springs?

Iridescent Yamuna,
Orange hues
As the sun goes down
uncertainty ensues

Arranged marriage :-|

At some point, a switch flicks in the heads of Indian parents. From 'study, study, study' they go 'marry, marry, marry' - CB

I cannot agree more with this sentence. For the first 23 years of my life, mom nagged me with the importance of books, knowledge, grades and educational crap.  And now that i am done with it ( according to them) its time to get married to a stranger. Arranged marriage has amazed me. How can consulting astrologers  and matching horoscopes for all the 'gunas' ensure a successful marriage.

How can anyone live their life with a random guy, they aren't in love with. And I cannot digest this whole idea of having sex with a stranger, just because i took seven sacred steps with him. How bizarre! I wonder how everyone else does it?  Seriously? (Not referring to the the guys. Sleeping with someone, need not be backed by reason for them:-| )

But I have always associated physical intimacy with real emotions for the person. Being 'in love' is necessary for a marriage. And arranged marriages negate the possibility of that. It works with  mere companionship and commitment.  The thought of spending your life with someone you barely know is so intimidating. Love, tenderness, concern, trust, friendship and sexual compatibility, most of these things that hold a marriage together- these things are not magically bestowed on you with the pronouncement of the wedding vows.

Of course i have heard enough statistics about how arranged marriages WORK! I do agree that over a period of time, all of us learn to love ( Read as :Put up) with the other person. But then,  there is something so sterile about saying that, you can be 'in love' with  just about anyone. It takes away the magic of love, by suggesting that it does not require that irreplaceable *someone*
I am sure that fondness or genuine love can develop over a long period of time, but even if does, it isn't natural. It arises only because of forced togetherness and the knowledge that you have no other choice in life, than to live with this 'suitable stranger'.  This concept has somehow never made sense to me.

I have started giving weddings a miss these days too. The most dreaded part to attending one, is the advance booking system. Is there a dearth of tam brahm girls out there? Sheesh! I think closets should be arranged, not marriages.

PS- God, in case you secretly read my blog, you better  resolve things soon, or else  i might have to play run away bride, and make my life more filmy than what it already is. Lol.