Right from the time i started knowing myself, I'v seen myself as a blend of opposites. In some sense i am an organizing freak. I have plans laid out till i turn 80. Right from the place i am going to live in , my honeymoon destination, the names of my children, the relatives i am going to keep in touch with and i'v gone ahead to make a note of anecdotes that i shall narrate to my grand children !!
But on the other hand, i tend to be vague and impulsive too. It never really mattered to me that i spent 3 years of my prime youth on pursuing an unrequited love. While all my friends where busy finding 'the man' , i never joined the bandwagon.Although the future seemed bleak, it didn't really matter . All i knew is that my feelings were true and they make me happy. Even when i crossed oceans to meet him, I was impulsive. I was walking blindfolded and had no idea about the future. And somewhere down that road i met my X. We were friends who had chemistry and went on to see if things click. Here again i was impulsive. Honestly, I could never swallow the thought of marrying a crude punjabi whose intellect and philosophies were nowhere close to mine. But the fact that he was my best friend and we loved each other, made me say yes. The path again seemed vague. As the liquidity of our relationship started assuming form, i realized that the plans i have for 'ME' were being erased by 'US'. It was in no way complimenting my concrete plans. But all of this did not stop me from working relentlessly towards doing justice to our status. And just as things were seemingly taking form, he burst the bubble and brought clarity in the most unfavorable way.
As much as i would like to call our time a mistake. I wont. Because had it not been for him, i wouldn't be where i am. He no doubt robbed me of the trust and faith i associate with the word friendship. Yet ,the learning the whole episode brought along was worth it. I realized that sometimes its not what we do that matters, its all about how we do it. Wiping out even the weakest ray of hope of togetherness, i switched careers along this path. I chose teaching. I wouldn't call this impulsive.But i would call it my instinct. Not many of my peers approved of it. Yet i felt it was right for me.
Today i see myself continue to aspire and dream. Somehow the term 'settle down' has never made sense to me. The term itself brings along a sense of sit-right-there-and-hatch-eggs feeling. Perhaps i like it this way. Honestly I am not sure about things now either. I am again walking along blindfolded. But deep deep down, i know there is a that place where i really want to be. The unsureness of life feels different this time. It has a streak of light, guiding it. When you want something badly enough, i think the universe re arranges itself to serve it in a silver platter:)
PS- I want the liquidity of life to continue, because only liquids flow. Life is beautiful when she's on the move:)
But on the other hand, i tend to be vague and impulsive too. It never really mattered to me that i spent 3 years of my prime youth on pursuing an unrequited love. While all my friends where busy finding 'the man' , i never joined the bandwagon.Although the future seemed bleak, it didn't really matter . All i knew is that my feelings were true and they make me happy. Even when i crossed oceans to meet him, I was impulsive. I was walking blindfolded and had no idea about the future. And somewhere down that road i met my X. We were friends who had chemistry and went on to see if things click. Here again i was impulsive. Honestly, I could never swallow the thought of marrying a crude punjabi whose intellect and philosophies were nowhere close to mine. But the fact that he was my best friend and we loved each other, made me say yes. The path again seemed vague. As the liquidity of our relationship started assuming form, i realized that the plans i have for 'ME' were being erased by 'US'. It was in no way complimenting my concrete plans. But all of this did not stop me from working relentlessly towards doing justice to our status. And just as things were seemingly taking form, he burst the bubble and brought clarity in the most unfavorable way.
As much as i would like to call our time a mistake. I wont. Because had it not been for him, i wouldn't be where i am. He no doubt robbed me of the trust and faith i associate with the word friendship. Yet ,the learning the whole episode brought along was worth it. I realized that sometimes its not what we do that matters, its all about how we do it. Wiping out even the weakest ray of hope of togetherness, i switched careers along this path. I chose teaching. I wouldn't call this impulsive.But i would call it my instinct. Not many of my peers approved of it. Yet i felt it was right for me.
Today i see myself continue to aspire and dream. Somehow the term 'settle down' has never made sense to me. The term itself brings along a sense of sit-right-there-and-hatch-eggs feeling. Perhaps i like it this way. Honestly I am not sure about things now either. I am again walking along blindfolded. But deep deep down, i know there is a that place where i really want to be. The unsureness of life feels different this time. It has a streak of light, guiding it. When you want something badly enough, i think the universe re arranges itself to serve it in a silver platter:)
PS- I want the liquidity of life to continue, because only liquids flow. Life is beautiful when she's on the move:)
I have something to say for every paragraph.
ReplyDeleteAs of now all I have to say is, this post really made me senti.
I guess we both are just moving with the flow now. :)
sometimes its not what we do that matters, its all about how we do it. I feel in the longer run, how we do it matters the most, not what we do..
ReplyDeletewaise the post was full of emotions, and you appeared quite strong, I hope its real and not just limited to this post /)
@ Mohit- Yea we are. I am making peace with the uncertainty of life.
ReplyDelete@ Yash- I am TRYING to be strong. Of course i cannot deny the existence of days, when i am down in the dumps. But channelizing my thoughts in a positive way and focusing on my dreams is working for now :P