Memories:)

Tonight as this old video started playing on my system, i was drawn back to the time when i recorded it.  We've come a long way G...and through all these years you've seen me grow and evolve- Dumping bad relationships, Laughing through fruitless crushes, Stabilizing after unexpected turns, Combating cold colleagues and all other things that made up my life. 

Five years is a long time. I still remember you, stand out amidst the crowd, with your towering personality and hazel green eyes, while i waited with a group of common friends in CP. Little did i know back then, that your name will capture the spot light of my early twenties, and etch itself in the history of my life. You were one of those strangers, who seemed familiar. The kinda people whose aura, makes you believe, that you know them from a long time. Providence definitely played its part in bringing us together. I somehow feel destiny had a major role, in elevating Delhi from  just the capital of India, to a city that ate up my heart.You remember those times when i behaved like a Bollywood bimbette, and swished through airports, just because i missed you? hehe if someone profited from our relationship, its definitely the airline company. lol

You have made my heart beat faster than it should, tolerated my non adherence to the norms of normalcy, Seldom questioned my affair with travel, Understood my proclivity for new experience, Come to make peace with my randomness, Been generous with the space i often seek, Gracefully handled my grouchy mood swings ......And most importantly, you've loved me when i acted like a complete idiot.

Sometimes i miss that twenty year old me. I want to be able to do all those things i did back then- sneak into the boys hostel, sit by your side, hear your laughter, watch a movie on your laptop, walk around the campus at 3am and  race away on your bike in directions we barely know. I want to be able to live freely like before, laugh loudly as i used to and love uninhibitedly like old times.  

Somewhere deep down, i am perhaps still the same person. But like everything else in the world, on the surface, I've given into change. The equation between us has changed too-  in its tone, texture,intensity, intricacy, color and chemistry.  In all these years of togetherness, I've connected to many you's and many me's in new and strange ways and come to love the delicious balance of sugar and spice. I'v come to be more tolerant, hopeful and accepting of life. Like every other relationship, we have had our share of teething troubles, fights,tears and bitter memories too. But then, the love has always been enough and more, to dissolve the darker patches and make way for beautiful seasons.

Tonight as i lie here sprawled on my bed, reliving the time when i shot that video.. I just cannot help fall in love with the guy seated between A and S.  Miss you:) 

Do-not-phone-a-friend

So I have this really close friend , who very evidently is  looking for  a friend-in-law who suits her, rather than looking for a guy who makes me happy. In fact  most of our recent conversations never cross the boundary of intellect and mutual friend gossip, since she is hardly ever  open minded and accepting of the other persons choice.

And then there is this other friend who lives in the US, who wants it her way too. 'NRI and rich, that's the way to go A'. Her line actually silenced me for a moment. What on earth happened to my emotional connection with the person?  And why would i marry an NRI, when i love living in my own country. I realized most of the  advice she offers me, is centered around how we can hang out a lot more, and the way she envisions my perfect life for me. I guess people become utterly selfish after they've found 'their one'. They just want to rearrange everyone else's lives to suit their own comforts.

Although these people, as individuals matter a lot, some of their ridiculous opinions are hardly ever considered by me. A friends seal of approval, chalked out most of my moves until i graduated junior college. This was that time in life, when i lacked consitency with my likings.  Back then, i felt that navigating my life, based on what others think of me or my choices is the only way to think. To be on the safer side, i seldom revelead the truth about what or who i really liked. During my late teens, i always ended up choosing  a guy everyone liked.  Things like do-i-really-like him or is there a natural feeling of attraction, never really mattered.  I behaved like a social chameleon because it was my way of  avoiding  scrutinizing questions about my choice otherwise.

It took me a long time to realize that i cannot possibly be selling out my happiness, to fit into to someone else's ideal world. I have seen a lot of relationships break, or seem outwardly rosy, only because your friends wanted you to be in them. I definitely agree that our closest friends know who we are to a great extent.  And given that,  their predictions of whether a relationship  will thrive or drown will in most cases turn out to be right.  But when it comes to vital life altering decisions, it must be driven by your choice and gut feeling, rather than choices made to avoid disapproval.
This dying need for approval many times leads to procrastinating vital decisions, ruminating for a long period of time, and stresses you out.

Thankfully since the past few years,  i seem to be graduating from giving those not-so-convincing- nods, adding a hmm-uhm and a muffled yes, when i know for sure  i opine differently. In a world filled with varied  mindsets,  you really cannot go out there with the hope of seeking approval from everybody around. It'll just make you more miserable and unsure. 

So go ahead and choose what you really want. Approval comes secondary.

After a long hiatus...

The date of the last post doesn't please me at all. I seriously have some blog reviving to be done..
Its not that i have been crazy busy in the past four months, that i couldn't find time to pen it down. Its just that...i have been utterly uninspired by life. Every time i get here, i manage to type around four sentences, abandon it and just get on with my work. So basically i have a whole string disjointed sentences lying around in the draft folder.

I hope to change. I miss it over here. I miss the days when a single day wouldn't pass by without the internet. I miss the ease with which i would type out things- reflect, vent, admire the little joys of life, i miss visiting other blogs and keeping myself updated with their thoughts, I miss the feeling i used to have every time i read an interesting comment. I miss the joy that this little corner  of the web, always brought  to me.

Longings...

Texting you late at night.. i secretly wish that these words filled with love,  transform into hugs-  real, not virtual

Its been so long since i felt a human touch.  Nothing more, nothing less.  All i shelter, is  the desire to be held.  The warmth of your body against mine, not sexual, not romantic, just fragmented bits of ‘you’ and ‘me’ transforming into ‘us’.

I long for your arms, to  wrap me in a spell of undecipherable energy that keeps us connected. I yearn for that real hug, which shields  me from horrifying thoughts, calms my unknown fears,  allays a deep seated longing in my heart, conveys the gentle acceptance  of who i am and  tells me i am loved.

I want those strong arms, which wrap me with care, concern and understanding.  Not  that  which cages me for the sake of a dead commitment,  or that which possesses, owns and objectifies. I yearn for that real *hug* where energies merge in sync, in rhythm. The kind that makes you  feel cocaine high, blocks out the rest of the world, fills  you with shamanic ecstasy,  works as a problem dissolver and soothes you  like the fragrant summer breeze.

Hold me, hold me for now, in the warmth of your words..while i pick up the leaves of my life, scattered by the autumn wind, and contain them in you:)
Till distance diminishes, and the virtual world gives way to reality, i shall make do with the overused emoticon ">:D< ", which reads *hug*

Fond memories...

There are teachers, who are teachers and then there are friends, colleagues and parents who turn into them. I have a long list to thank on this day- Right from the  random strangers, who guide  me through some of the utterly confusing, cobblestone roads that link up to form this stunning city... to my closest friends who often enlighten me with their take on the 'funda of life', i have found teachers in every turning of this labyrinth.

Today, as silhouettes of all these people emerge in my mind, if there is one  person who stands out distinctly , its you Sir.

Typing out this post and wondering if you remember me, my heart is filled with warm memories of your class. A part of me is still perhaps stuck in those corridors- which saw of more of me, than did the walls of the classroom.  All through my journey from  being that dreamy teenager, who spent most of her time staring at the boy seated in the third bench, second row....to a fledgling teacher myself, your charming persona, engaging talk and your youthful energy has always remained in my mind as an undercurrent.

Sometimes small associations transform into lasting impressions, and remain as fond memories in the crevices of our minds. For me, those 365 days of being your student is one such.

Happy teachers day Sir:)

Quirky me! Random facts :P

Needless to say, this is the painting that adorns the wall of my room:) I am SO into ME!

* Touch me not! If you aren't sure about your place in my life, keep distance. Don't be inspired by Munnabhai and give me the jadoo ki jhappi. If you are a guy who means nothing to me, and you wrap your arms around me, I will stand as still as a pole, endure the hugging, and mentally contemplate about kneeing you THERE.

* My high pitched sing-a song bye is directly proportional to how much i like someone.  A monosyllabic bye is definitely a bye-bye-from-my-life bye.

* I have a compulsive disorder of folding clothes. I even end up folding the clothes, i pick from a shelf at a store :-|

* My perfect ending to a  marathon shower, is to write out stuff on a fogged mirror. Its a part of my daily routine now. Draw an emoticon and then make facial expressions to match it. lol

* I often feel two ways at once. Most times my emotions  are fragmented and ambivalent.

* You know that feeling where you meet someone and you are almost sure, you know them from another life? * cosmic connections* I love it when that happens!

* The Kaam devta and Kama devta of my life can never co exist. I am BAD at multitasking. Its either work or love. Give me a great job and i will magically turn into the worst girlfriend EVER.

*  Words are my way of telling people, i care for them. I love writing letters. If you have my handwriting, then i must consider you special.

*My bike runs on petrol and my not-so-melodious-loud voice. The stares which read stop-singing-you-moron, in traffic signals, have become a part of my daily routine.

* Nightmarish numbers. My worst memories of childhood is trying to learn math :-| When given a problem, I would try for a while, fail as always, get frustrated, be yelled at, beaten, start  crying and  slam the door shut.  Till this day, a math textbook can scare me more than a cockroach. lol

* I love people, places and things easily. I have way too much room in my heart, that will make me remember people, call them, meet them, write to them, and love them for being a part of my life.

Song story- Flashback

So many songs...so many fond memories. Its amazing how something as simple as a song, can trigger it all. It resurfaces the memory...chains me to it and i effortlessly slide  into a refreshing  reverie.

I grew up with a radio set on my desk. Record work or exams, music was a must. We had only one radio set for the whole house, and each one of us took turns. Mom needed it while she was cooking, I used it to soothe the torture of doing my record work, and V used it while he sat for hours together with his engineering books. The radio and the songs soon became a part of our daily lives.

The musical evenings on the terrace when the lights went out, was the best part.  With the pitter patter on the tin roof and hot pakodas, I still remember certain songs from hum aapke hai koun, the way the neighbor kids sung it. It reminds me of all those didi's and bhaiya's who hid behind the water tank and used us   ( 8 year olds) as watchmen.  We were trained to use certain songs from the movie as warning signs, to alert them about an adults arrival. Even to this day, those songs strike a chord and takes me back to those moon lit nights, laced with delicate melody.

Huh! And  the school boys ( read as : lafangas) thought they would sing their way to our hearts.  I clearly remember all of us ( girls) standing in the bus stop  after tution and putting up with the kaho na pyar hai title track and the vroom vroom of their bikes.  Of course there was one intelligent handsome boy we all secretly liked. Every time he passed by and hesitatingly smiled, our hearts would skip a beat, and render the zara zara  behakta hai song in unison. Each one of the girls, assumed his smile was for her, just like how all the gopis thought Krishna danced only with them. 

This song still brings back memories of him.. and i cant help but wonder...whom did he really like?

Remember those songs, you've only heard a family member sing and perhaps never heard the original? Well... mom's favorite tamil  numbers are one of those. Illayaraja and kannadasan's songs would fill my ears, as i left for school. She had a song for every occasion. One for waking me up, one while she shampooed my hair and oh..one for consoling me when i promptly flunked every math test in school. It was only a year or so back, that i actually youtubed these songs and heard the original version.

Then there is I can be your hero baby, sung in the seductive voice of Enrique, which will forever remain as the song that played, when G proposed.  This song for me, will always be associated with that cold January evening in Delhi and my perfect foot popping kiss.

A whole bunch of other songs are recorded in my mind and they instantly take me back to those nostalgic moments. The torture song i was coaxed to sing in college, while i was being ragged....The memory song we sung during a high school trip, on our way to Ooty...the love song which got me waltzing  around my room with a pillow... the break up song i played over and over again and cried myself  to sleep...the favorite song i requested on MTV most wanted... The addictive song i air guitar to in the bathroom and pretend to be a rock star...The crazy song that got me and my cousins jumping up and down on the bed, till it broke.......Its a whole collection!

All of us can narrate our story through songs. Apart from  the lyrics, music and voice, we all have our own associations with these songs. Perhaps that's why its so important to us. They shed light on those memories which are so personal.

Even as i am being jostled around in the crowd...the song playing on my ipod, has the power to take me away. I love songs, for the same reason i love books- Time travel:)

So whats your song story?

Forever?

Your coat in my closet

a long strand of hair

faint traces of your cologne

memories of yesteryear's.

Feeling the fine fabric, i fold. 

Reach for an empty box

Cast a lingering look,

and tape the box shut.

Forcing the creaky draw open,
i see remnants of all that was broken
laying it to rest gingerly,
i ignore its constant plea.

Making room for a new chapters,
i lend a deaf year to their murmurs
One box over another..
and many more, shall follow after.

Life is transient, Like that!

Singles perspective!

Since the number of couples perpetuating my life, has consistently been on the rise. Here's a post for you guys. Go figure...lol

Mirror couples-  

Two months into the relationship, and these couples will start mirroring each other.  You cannot  tell who's who. They  share everything- hobbies, opinions, workplace, clothes...and the latest addition being Facebook profile! 

To click pictures of themselves, nestled in each others arms, is the ONLY reason they require friends ( read as : unpaid photographers) for. These couples hardly ever hang out with others. The only way to keep in touch with them is to 'like' your way to it.

Fighting couples -  

Being friends with them is the toughest thing to do.  Hanging out with them entails, whining, cribbing and  bitching about each other. Carping over trivial issues, both of them will bore you to death with mindless shit.Oh..and just as you get considerate and begin to ACTUALLY listen, they would cancel plans with you to  make up/out with each other.

Grr they make me wanna poke the air with my middle finger :-|

Coo-chi-coo couples- 

Now these are usually the new entrants to coupledom. You can tell by the way they flutter eyelashes or secretly hold hands under the table. And when the guy takes his shoes off, i am almost sure he is sliding his feet up her skirt. What do they think we are? Blind.  The supposedly awesome girls night out turns into a disaster, because of these cant-get-our-hands-off-each-other couples.

Grrr Get a room guys! * feeling pukish* There is enough porn on the internet already. And yes, we prefer those recorded versions over your live PDA.

Child Marriage couples-  

These are the ones who fall in love in the 8th grade, start dating each other by the 10th and mentally marry eachother by the time they graduate.  Oh yes..while you are busy contemplating if the 'sort-of-cute-guy' is actually cute, they would be deciding the names of their unborn children. Aiyyoo..how soppy.

But Nevertheless these couples are nice to hang out with. They reassure  your faith in the ' And they lived happily ever after' endings.

Considerate Couples-  

When all you are hoping for is a nice evening with two people you dearly love, this couple will invite a 'suitable stranger' to dinner. These couples tend to think that the singles out there are missing out on A LOT. They are obstinate and compulsive with their beliefs and will walk an extra mile to tag along a single guy, everytime they make plans with you.

Their match making tendency is extremely annoying. I would rather choose to order pizza, and eat it all by myself, than get invited to some fancy dinner by these couples.

Bound by bachche  couples-  

Now these couples are usually older.  Fifteen years into their marriage, and they don't necessarily like or dislike each other anymore.  Chores get repetitive, Sex gets boring, Maturity dawns...and they are out there, to find 'themselves' in the relationship. Once in way, when spring time arrives, and they find their spouse to be irresistibly sexy, one morning, it is interrupted at the right time, by a shrieking teens 'maaaaaaaa where's my lunch box'. 

Hmmph so invariably these couples retire to either entertain you with their individuality or bask in the accomplishments of their children.

In most cases, the business like and smart uncles choose the former, while the saree-with-sneaker aunties choose the latter.They'd crack jokes about  the institution of marriage and laugh their not-so-happening relationship away. And when time comes, they would shower you with the 'been there, done that' advice too.

A tea with them is always delightful.

Whats teaching got to do with it?

Me and D  devising plans on 'how-to-get-rejected' by the suitable suitors i meet. 

D- Its going to be tough A. Tu teacher hai *sigh*

A-  Eh!?..so all those guys my mom fishes out from matrimony sites will  NEVER reject me, because i am a TEACHER??

D- Of course. Which sensible  guy will say no to a teacher. Two years from now, when you have his kids, you can go to work the same time as your children and come back with them.  You can balance work and home perfectly. And since people at your workplace are  women, chances of an extramarital affair is zilch. zero. This is the perfect package. 

A-  *appalled, amused and slightly taken aback by the reply*

So you are trying to tell me the world is filled with men who wont take into account my ability, attitude, or love to teach? For the patriarchal society its JUST a job, that lets a woman work, without compromising on her role at the home front. What is he looking for in a wife anyway?

D- Well...they aren't completely wrong in their assumptions either. Are they?  How many young teachers do you get to see.  Does love for teaching magically spring up ONLY in your mid 30's, when you need time for YOUR family? Isn't that selfishness? How many students in your own class want to grow up to be a teacher? Do YOU want them to grow up to be one?

A-  I don't know. Its just so unsettling to know that a profession as noble as it, is deemed as an arrangement of convenience for women. You might be partly true. And yes, i have witnessed the same at my own work place too. There are definitely women who end up teaching, in their half hearted efforts to have a career. A cultures dominant ideology, does shape a persons choice when it comes to their career. I am not denying the fact that many women teach, ONLY because it is a 'suitable' option..But then again...there are teachers who teach, JUST FOR THE LOVE OF IT TOO!

I wouldn't have developed a flair for reading novels, or poetry, or stringing words together, had it not been for the English teacher who inspired me as a teen. You can read your way to knowledge through books. But you cannot buy the experience. ...Someday i will perhaps go back to teaching. And hopefully by then, I'll be rich enough to save myself from the compulsion of teaching the rich. Its far more delightful to teach those in need.

And now that you mention, I wonder...what is it about women, that men want to feel so protective about. How comfortably they reduce us to someone, who can JUST take care of their family. If he can travel, go places and LIVE the world. So can I. What is it that makes them think we are vulnerable? Is it our soft skin, delicate walk or our dainty bodies. I am NOT looking for a confession box or a safety blanket to swathe myself with. I am not looking for someone to complete me at all. I am no damsel in distress or a delicate daisy to be saved by the typical 'bad boy' types.

I have always liked the nice ones. The gentle mannered, polite spoken, intelligent types.  Someone who compels my strength. Believes in my dreams, and the toughness i can endure. Someone who is man enough, to respect the woman in me.